


Colleen's secret (deleted scene from Aftermath)

by pebbles1971



Series: Older and Wiser [10]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Internalized Transphobia, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-02-10 03:10:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21451339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pebbles1971/pseuds/pebbles1971
Summary: John's PA, Colleen Healey, talks to Mer about her transition
Series: Older and Wiser [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1286993
Kudos: 19





	Colleen's secret (deleted scene from Aftermath)

The botanists had created a roof garden not far from the Control Tower back in 2014, in a bid to bring some calm to the lives of Atlantis personnel. Despite being happy to have gone back to work, Mer knew they needed to take these moments to stop and breathe. The garden was draped with a flowering vine native to Lantea, it was sweet smelling and provided gentle, dappled shade over the secluded bench Mer had picked.

‘Hey, Mer, how’s it going? Mind if I sit?’ Colleen Healey was looking down at Mer in all her tall, willowy gorgeousness and Mer felt a familiar mix of warmth and jealousy toward the woman.

They smiled, letting the warmth win. Actually, her company was welcome, they realised. ‘Sure, good to see you. How’s life organising the ADHD King?’

Colleen slid gracefully onto the bench beside them and smiled a mischievous grin at the question.

‘Oh, the usual, your husband continues to find new and creative ways to turn admin into an extreme sport, and I find new and equally creative ways to pull him back from the brink. It’s an old, old game and by now we’re both pretty good at it.’ She laughs her deep, soft laugh that is utterly feminine despite its pitch.

Mer berates themself for their next idle thought; _you would never know._ Like Colleen’s validity should ever be judged on her looks or the sound of her voice. It’s easy to forget, too, how much Colleen stood out long before anyone but her knew she was trans, with her willowy frame and long, red-blonde hair, her unequivocally feminine face. A face that hasn’t changed one bit but has come into better focus since her transition. She makes so much more sense as a woman.

Another twang of jealousy. _It was so easy for her, _Mer thinks, knowing they’re being unfair.

‘Listen, Mer, can I talk to you about something?’ Her Irish accent has always been soothing, but Mer detects an edge in there. When they don’t respond beyond trying to put on their listening face, she says, ‘It’s something John said actually. It’s made me realise how my desire for privacy might affect other trans people. Might affect you. Mer, can you keep something confidential for me?’

‘Of course,’ Mer reassured her, wondering what this could possibly be.

‘So, here’s the thing . . .’ she hesitated, and Mer could tell it was costing her to say what she was about to say. ‘The thing is . . . the official version of my transition was a bit of a PR job. I didn’t go back to Earth to access healthcare. In fact, there wasn’t any healthcare I needed back on Earth.’

Mer knew their face must have shown confusion at this. Just what was she saying?

Colleen sighed. ‘Truth is, Mer, I spent eight months shut inside my childhood bedroom barely able to step out in the world, so depressed I couldn’t function, and another seven trying to put myself back together again. I went back to Earth to have a breakdown.’

‘But . . .’ Mer clamped their mouth shut on the words about to come out – _you fool, thinking this was ever easy for anyone._

‘I couldn’t bear for anyone to know. In case they thought I was doing the wrong thing by transitioning. But nobody talks about the reckoning you have to deal with as a trans person – the change, the loss, the adjustment, the revisiting past trauma . . . everyone wants you to be “all happy now.”’

‘I didn’t know.’ Mer’s heart clenched. ‘God, Colleen, John and I didn’t support you even close to enough, did we?’

‘You did good, Mer, as much as I let you in. Looking at you now, though, so fucking brave, I wish I’d been more open, given my friends here a chance to see the truth. And openly saying you’re something in between? I know not all of us feel that way, but maybe I do, a little, and thought it was safer not to say.’

Wow. Colleen was (at least a little bit) non-binary? That kinda blew Mer’s mind.

‘I think maybe I’m a little jealous of you, Mer. I mean Jesus, that sounds crass after what you’ve been through. Maybe a better way of putting it is that you’re kind of inspiring me. And I think you’re awesome, and it’s good to see you back,’ she finished a little breathlessly.

Mer really didn’t know what to say, so they just turned to her hesitantly, signalling the code for “do you want a hug?” and finding themself engulfed in the woman’s embrace. Her thick, scented hair tickled their nose and her warmth settled all kinds of things inside them that they didn’t even know had been out of alignment.


End file.
